A farmers toast!

Let the wealthy and great, Roll in splendour and state, I envy them not i declare it, I eat my own lamb, My chickens and ham, I shear my own fleece and i wear it, I have lawns,I have bowers, I have fruits,I have flowers, The lark is my morning alarmer, So joyful boy's now, Here's god speed the plough, Long life and success to the farmer!!

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Swing the cat!

Yesterday, having done all the boring day to day chores!! We went to an open garden in abergele expecting to be a bit bored!! the predictability of modern estate gardens with the inevitable garden makeover themes, decking ,water feature, bedding plant's..Well we where very pleasantly surprised it was stunning a true country garden adjoining another contemporary garden, in all about half an acre with fully matured oaks, tree houses,and ponds and everything looking lovely and lush .....
Then when we'd finished there we headed up to Cefn for a celeagh [?? spelling] and curry. It's a lovely setting truly ancient, Cefn caves now sadly closed down are the site of a prehistoric dwelling.. The village today is spread out and there is no centre the only pub closed last year and the post office about 10yrs ago..
The rock formations and and the large slabs of i think limestone are so weird that they look manmade , they decorate the stone walls and gardens and i want some..

The band playing where "swing the cat"and they are brilliant i love fiddle music..I walked in and saw these 3 big blokes an 2 women and thought how the" berludy hell "did they all fit in my crog llofft, on colins 50th birthday 7yrs ago today and it brought back memories..........I wasnt well at the time depression? stress? whatever its called it's not fun and everyday was a battle just to get out of bed and remember one simple thing was nigh on impossible!!! 3 young children, and my dad clinging to me with his own sadness, we'd lost my mum very suddenly to cancer it was very traumatic and the burden of everyones grief was heaped on my already loaded shoulders and of course hiding my own feelings and grief i allowed them to. But i was crumbling inside......
Well ever the glutton for punishment i decided to throw a surprise party!!! for cols 50th a real humdinger!!.... And my dad announced out of the blue the week before that he was bringing his girlfriend... ?? what a weird feeling happy for him but feeling a betrayel as well i can't explain all sorts of warring emotions!! and dad why now??..... I finally broke down on the way to piano lessons he'd called me to tell me on his mobile and i pulled into a layby and set of shaking and crying with my bewildered children crying around me not understanding what was happening.............150 people came the band was up on the gallery the bouncy castle a big fair ground size one we where repairing for someone was out on the lawn 2 big barrel barbecues where on the go as well as all the food i'd done myself plenty for everyone and of course all my friends donations!!!! Inside i was like a coiled spring i couldn't breath! ! i could see my heart beating through my clothes, i told no one....Outside the heavens opened and all these people squooze into my tiny house, everyone was having a brilliant time col was on form!!and my smile was plastered on and my laugh a bit to brittle even to my own ears, Dancing was out of the question unless you felt inclined to pogo damn British weather!! then they arrived its like i was stood in state at the aga and my dad walked in with a big grin on his face leading a small dark lady i did a double take!!! IT was D my friend from Ireland and it was all planned as a surprise to me!!! what came out of my mouth i don't regret one bit" YOU F...ING BA.....S" Then a photo was taken of me by some one, and i clearly remember thinking i'll remember this moment forever when 2 people who supposedly love you have finally pushed you over the edge,and the smile crumbled from then on......
I'd been there for D through her depression, and my dad but they where to self centered to recognise mine,,,and they still don't know and they never will unless they read this..
Wow did i digress sorry!!!
Anyway last night i danced and danced until i was dizzy! drank real ale and spent it all in pleasant company.....And slept like a log..xxoo


  1. Oh gosh Bodran, me dear, do you feel better for letting that all out! I'm glad you are so much better nowadays.

    PS I like your word 'squooze' - very expressive.

  2. Oh Bodran

    I really sympathise.
    I know what it is like to have so much happening it eventually overwhelms you.

    None of my friends know the half of what I have been through. I am actually a very private person by nature. And I have battled and battled for at least a couple of years 'something' like depression which I haven't been able to put a finger on. I have only just admitted to myself since I have started blogging that I must have a problem and how unhappy I have been-everything caught up with me. I don't have much family as you probably know and several of my friends were too consumed in their own issues. For whatever reasons I didn't feel able to talk to the others.
    I was quite angry that I am always there for other people but no-one could see the state I had got myself into.
    But now I have been able to accept that we are all different, not everyone is as sensitive as me to pick up on things and that I shouldn't judge everyone by my own high standards.

    Instead I carried it all myself and at times it (depression/stress) has consumed me and I have been miserable and irritable.

    I have been to the doctors now and I know I said I wouldn't blog again on the other site. But somehow I feel comfortable here on CCW and now I have started my Orange Man Blog, which is a journey of self discovery, I feel compelled to continue and put to rest some of the feelings I have towards different people that are close to me.

    What I am trying to say, somewhat inarticulately is that I do understand what you are saying.
    I hope you will continue blogging and maybe today's blog have helped get some of your feelings out in the open.

    We are all here for you and won't let you down.

    warm wishes

  3. Good morning Bodran. Your blog really hit a note for me - you sound so very familiar. Are you a first born in birth order? That feeling of holding everything together - you nailed it. I wished for someone to just take you away from the 50th and ask you what you really needed.
    I'm glad you had such a good time last night!

  4. I know just how you feel, I really do. I have alwasy been designated the caring and looking after one, he one peopel turn to in a crissi but funny when I am in one no one ever notices or if tehy do they tend to say cope with it.

    I really think there is a lot to being born a wispy blonde in this life and get everyone else to do the coping!

    Come and have a hug dear.

  5. Have been to that place too. You don't look as if you were crumbling but that's the point, isn't it? Anyway, well done to you for looking after everyone then and probably now.

  6. Thanks for this i didnt do it on purpose it's just the date and seeing the band again. i'm actualy the youngest having two older brothers, who are pretty useless at dealing with any crisis,my nearest in age bruv is always there, but this typefies [???] my men folk [not colin],on the night that we knew was going to be my mothers last instead of all staying, they couldn't cope and went home, i stayed wild horses couldnt have got me away but they left and i'll never understand it,I'm coming for that hug un peu..xx

  7. Oh Bodran I know exactly where you were and lets hope you don't go there again. Perhaps having a good rant will help you let go. The knees up last night sounded good fun. I'm trying very hard to stop being a people pleaser. I've done it all my life and now it's my turn. I'm going to get old and cranky and be very difficult indeed. Toady

  8. Well that was waiting to be let out like a giant burp...better now? Big hug from me. Its a bit like juggling isn't it? but then there are sooo too many balls in the air and all hell lets loose if you drop one....take care and be kind to yourself. Thank you for the caring comments on my blog.
    Take care

  9. Yes, I definitely believe in a problem shared etc.. The past six years for me have hardly been my own but I knew the day would come when I could live my own life with my own feelings and thoughts. Yet, just as you have done, I kept it all to myself for fear of burdening anyone else. Now I look back, there is so much I could have done but I just didn't have the courage to stand up for myself. However, through my own weakness, I have learnt how short life is and how incredibly special we all are, in our own way.

    A lovely blog, probably touched a nerve for many people. With best wishes, Crystal x

  10. Yes it did touch a nerve, I can so relate to what you were feeling and am amazed at your friend and your Dad ... glad you feel better for letting ot out - that's what we're all here for!

  11. Oh my darling girl...I had no idea... But then, do we ever know? Crikey, that really did seem to splurge out of nowhere - isn't it funny how it happens like that? I came over to ask you about cooking bats and did a double take as I read this.....but very glad you got it out. Better out than in. I too have sat in a car with a baby, wailing my eyes out...it's a horrible place to be.
    The cave place sounds fascinating btw.
    loads of love

  12. Just catching up as I'm skiving again - all finished on Weds but saw this and had to send you an enormous hug ... a bit late I know... I started a club in my bath - stange place to start one, which I call the Black Dog Club. When I realise that I'm feeling really crap and the ol' D is setting in I think of all those who have/had what I have and wonder at the great things they have acheived and it comforts me - you have acheived great things!
    I know it sounds a bit peculiar but I'll be thinking of you as inspiration the next time I enter the BDC - God that sounds worrying! I really am quite normal I hasten to add... oh dear I think I'm making things worse!!!!
    What I am trying to say is - I have a inkling about what you went through and you've come out so strong you probably have no idea!
    Love the trees and yes an empty home, a ruin etc sets me off too especailly if it is deliberate!