A farmers toast!

Let the wealthy and great, Roll in splendour and state, I envy them not i declare it, I eat my own lamb, My chickens and ham, I shear my own fleece and i wear it, I have lawns,I have bowers, I have fruits,I have flowers, The lark is my morning alarmer, So joyful boy's now, Here's god speed the plough, Long life and success to the farmer!!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Spiralling downwards.....

When was it that i became invisible to my babies My adored Kp and Thundercat ?..... It wasn't so long that I was the most important person in their lives and i gave my life over to them.... We Where The 3 musketeers the best of friends campfires woodland adventure's, escapes in the van to remote beaches and always love and hugs and kisses...
KP and i have struggled to keep a relationship over the years being the oldest and male he thinks he knows it all! Well he knows a bit ! He's always been careless in his words and actions and hurts without knowing...
Thundercat had trouble with excepting a new baby into the fold but was very grown up and old for her years my best friend and partner in any mischief i got up to....

I've given them both their freedom and treated them like adults and equals.

A few rules .
Don't LIE ever.
And let me know if you won't be home.

Well thundercat as broken both now that i know , i can see when she lied but can't understand why??
As for the last That is unforgivable with mobiles and to switch it OFF . To me it say's any consideration and respect as gone for the mother waiting at home for the phone to ring at 4 am , or driving around the lanes checking out ditches at 3am on christmas eve.....

Well this morning it came to the crunch. I'd been woken at about 4am by a strange melancholy whistle i'd never heard the like before it was from the soul , as it registered i shot up in bed [colins away] and looked out of the windows the dogs weren't disturbed, and didnt awake. Then a shiver went up my back was it the whistler?? our usual chirpy ghost heard but never seen... Was it a portent like a banshee heralding doom and death ?? How your imagination goes wild at night. Then pop into my head the dark thoughts is colin ok on his own as he fell of that flimsy ladder in the dark ??? Sorrel is she home is she in a ditch or worse at this moment being killed arggghhh in those thought s lies madness stop it ! stop it! go to sleep . Reach for a book and blank it out and read until your eyes burn . I dozed and waited for the alarm.... Bleary eye'd i woke Nell. "wheres soz" my uniform and school bag are in her car ... No answer from her mobile it's turned off !! AGAIN !!! Nell runs to the caravan shes not there her cars not there. why doesnt she let me know ? i need to find her so off to the village and check jen's nope then immys then just a general trawl heart racing..then theres her car phewwwwf outside s's house her ex, like she thinks we didn't suspect . why why Why wasnt she just honest and considerate with me i love her........ Now i have growing pains as they grow away and i've grown into the big bad wolf ...


  1. No you're not spiralling down. Perhaps this could be seen as a positive,she will now be well aware of how hurt you are. I've PM'd you. Remember it all happened because you care and love her dearly, be kind to yourself. Speak later cariad x

  2. They didnt even wish me happy birthday not a text not a word .......both to busy.

  3. Step away, let everything slow and calm.
    When you are ready you need to talk about respecting them and their choices (if she wants to do this, it is her life and her choice) but needing honesty between you. She is deceiving you not because she doesnt care about you but because she doesn't know what else to do.
    You have good kids and you are a good mother. It will be ok.

  4. Elizabeth took the words right from my fingers - deep breath, step away from the kids - in fact, turn away from them. This latest is truly inconsiderate, but you won't be able to have a conversation with them while it's still so fresh. You really will be okay, and you will have your loving and considerate children back, but a discussion right now may just make you all more miserable - they'll be defensive and you'll be sad. Be kind to yourself over the next few days.... xo

  5. Deep breathes, let the dust settle. Don't say anything in haste that you may regret later. And then talk calmly.

    I honestly believe that most young people are so wrapped up in their own lives and gaining their independence that they simply don't see the results of their actions on those around them. They'll come good - but you'll probably never get a thank you.

    You're a good mother - don't ever doubt that.

  6. fab blog, Bodran, just fab. Although so bloody sad, from that invisibility thing onwards.

  7. Nobody has the ability to hurt us the way our children can. From what i have seen from my friends' children, they each go through a phase where their egos smother their senses. If they havent had enough to rebel against as children this often happens as early adults. Its something that has to happen for them to mature- the fledging bit. The later it happens the more it hurts, sadly. But that's all it is.